(Cripps Hall Crowd- Like it Loud)
Okay. So i am yet to update the blog regarding my Ireland trip, my open day experience at SJ Berwin. I am procrastinating, as I do with much of everything.
I heard a couple of days ago that Isabel from Law School died of liver cancer. I am not sure whether naming her is such a good idea, but I believe she(or people who know her) has every right to be proud of the work she did on the earth. I had not been a close friend of hers, we were just acquaintances- but I remember writing her a wall post on FB on how she was doing, and she gave me the news over a message, full of positivism and..God.
I remember being shocked at her amazing strength, faith...
On the day when I got that email from her sister, I remember being stunned. BUT as with everything in my life, I numbed myself so I didn't have to deal with it. So i went to sleep. In the morning however it kinda came back to me. I was sitting there, reminded again of this news that I hid from myself..and I just cried. THIS puzzled me so, because I was not close to her at all. I didn't feel that I deserved to feel sad.
BUT whatever the reason was....I am so sorry that she's gone. I almost felt guilty. I didn't feel like I deserved to live. I numb myself every day, so I don't have to live. Here was a girl, whose short life meant SO MUCH to everyone. even me.
So...yeah. I repeated the numbing and crying process for about..3 times that day. THEN i went out to dinner with my Cripps Hall 9/20 Group to pizza express and had a good time...It's funny, how people die and life goes on like nothing happened. I felt...bad.
To be honest, I thank her for all the work of the Lord she did in everyone, and pulling me out of my numbness....
Is.
I am a mere human- I still wish that you were here on this earth with everyone who loves you, but I know that our love is nothing compared to the love you must be feeling right now. I am envious...(I hope I am not being too ungrateful about life but.) I wish I had known you better- as cliche as that sounds. I will get to know you better in heaven I hope.
God..
Keep her safe, she was such an amazing girl. Thank you for everything. Everything I was afraid to say just in case it is taken away from me. I dunno why I couldn't trust(and still can't). Thanks for Nottingham: the amazing people, the amazing times...everything. Thanks for the lesson about the way I am numbing myself- I am so sorry I've been serving the wrong God. Thanks for the internship- Thanks for listening to my prayers. Thanks for not leaving me when I deserve nothing less than that. Thanks for keeping me healthy despite my best efforts to do the opposite. Thanks for keeping me alive. When I get that glimpse of life from the 23 hours of numbness, I appreciate life and the breath that I take. I am so sorry that I am so ungrateful.
I am frankly afraid to start this week. I am afraid and fearful of life, the emptiness...but I pray that you will give me the faith and strength to move this..fear out of my life, so I can handle life. I don't want another 2 years of my life gone not alive and not dead.
Isabel. You were an amazing girl. He knew what he was doing with your life on the earth- I only wish that I can live half the life you lived- the effect you had on people, the amazing love you showed. You made me want to live and not pretend to be dead again. Although i keep numbing this message from my head, erasing it, I will endeavour to keep remembering you and the amazing work you did.
Rest in peace in Him.
"I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith." 2 Timothy iv. 7.
- you amazing person, Isabel , you.
